Mow Better Blues/Script
Cast *Tim Taylor - Tim Allen *Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson *Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas *Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan *Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith *Wilson - Earl Hindman Guest Cast *Al Borland - Richard Karn Script "Home Improvement" Season 1 intro plays. After the opening credits, Mark is sitting on a lawn tractor. Tim is improving it. Tim: Alright son, this is an ordinary lawn tractor. We have to Tim Taylor-ize it. is lifting off the engine and puts it on the workbench So first, we've gotta remove this puny 12 and a half horse, blade-o-matic motor cuz we want to cut lawn maintenance time way down. So what d'we need? Mark: More power! Tim: You learned well, my little one. wheels the new engine over We're gonna replace it with this. Because this is more power! reveals the engine - it has two huge cylinders on top, and is covered with chrome Mark: Wow! Tim: Darn right, wow. This is a twin-cylinder, 1600 cc motorcycle engine. Normally operates at 58 horsepower, your dad has ported and polished it, blue-printed and cranked it, balanced it all the way through. Huh? It's got a reverse gear, who needs it, four forward gears, and a suicide clutch! On a clear day, the E.T. on this bad boy should be under 15 seconds a quarter-mile. We can do zero-to-sixty in under 5.5 seconds! Mark: Are we gonna race it? Tim: You bet. As soon as we've installed this bad boy, we're gonna enter the Indianapolis 500! By the time the rest of the pack catches us, we'll have won the race, and mowed the in-field! gets down from the mower and gets a towel Mark: D'you want me to get you a towel, Dad? starts unbolting the old engine-fixings Tim: Why would I want a towel? Mark: To wipe the grease off your hands. Tim: Grease is our friend. When you work on heavy-duty machinery, you expect some grease on your hands. As a matter of fact, you like grease all over, kind of like, er, war paint. smears some grease on Mark's cheeks Yeah. Chief Spark Plug! Grunting Uhh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! We're gonna need a variety of tools today, so you have to make sure you get all your tools lined up goes over to the workbench within easy reach. goes over to the tools and picks one up Mark: What's this one? shows it to Tim Tim: Ohh, yeah! takes the tool from Mark That's my Tolan precision engineered torque wrench. See, the gauge there measures pounds per square inch. You use this for all your delicate bolts, like on the engine head, and when you bolt the engine to the chassis there. Mark: It looks old. Tim: Oh, it's not old, it's, it's experienced! This is the Yoda of my tool bench, right here! Yeah! It's been in my family almost 20 years. My dad gave it to me, and someday, I'm gonna give it to you. puts the wrench down Mark: Gee, thanks Dad. Tim: You bet, buddy. Cut to the living room. runs in, past Jill. He jumps onto the couch and stabs it with a plastic baseball bat Brad: Death to the heathen! Jill: And to all gladiators who jump on my couch! Get off there. gets off the couch. Randy enters, carrying a large cardboard box Randy: Here's my stuff for the rummage sale. Jill: Oh good, good. Brad Spartacus, did you go through your closet yet? is sitting on the armchair, watching the TV Brad: No, not yet. Jill: Well, would you please turn off the TV and do that now? Brad: Mom! This is the bloodiest part! Jill: Brad, this rummage sale is a fundraiser to get your hockey team new uniforms. Now turn off the TV, now! Brad: Aw, Mom! gets up and turns off the TV Randy: While Brad was watching television, I filled my box up to the top! Jill: Thank you Randy. It's nice to know I have one perfect child! Randy: I do what I can. Brad: Randy I filled my box up to the top! slaps Randy. Randy slaps him back and runs after him Jill: Hey, hey, stop that! If I hear any fighting, goes over to the kitchen it's gonna be liver for dinner! and Randy stop on the stairs and scream Brad & Randy: Ahhhhhhhhh! opens her mouth wide, as if screaming too Cut to the garage. arrives Mark: Hi Mommy. Look, I'm all greased up! Jill: Well, how nice for you! I think you missed a spot right here on your nose. Mark: Did I Mom? smears grease on his nose goes over to Tim Jill: So, this is the, er, slight adjustment to the riding mower you were talking about. Tim: Slight 150 horsepower adjustment. What d'you think? starts looking through the tool drawers Jill: Well, with that engine, you won't just be cutting the grass, you'll be sucking it up by the roots! looks through the drawers beneath the workbench Tim: Why do you always come out here and mess up my tools? Jill: I'm sorry. I'm just looking for the duck tape. Tim: It's not duck, quack quack, tape, it's duct tape, like heating duct. Jill: Well, excuse me! Duct Tape! wipes his face Tim: 'Scuse me while I rinse the side of my face off! gets a towel and wipes his face It's right over there on the peg board. Jill: Peg, what's it doing on the peg board? Shouldn't tape be in a drawer? gets the tape Tim: Jill, this is a garage, not fabric world! smiles at Tim. Tim smiles back In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it. Jill: So's your head, but it's not hanging on a hook! Tim: Borrow the tape, promise me you'll put it back where it belongs. Jill: Of course I will, I always do. Tim: Do you now? picks up a tool Jill: Yeah. Tim: Recognize this? looks at it Spiral ratchet screwdriver. Found it under the sink this morning. What was that all about? throws the tape into the air, catching it again Jill: Well, the ice was all stuck together and I needed something to break it apart. snatches the duct tape out of the air Tim: You were pounding ice with this? Jill: Yeah. It worked great. Tim: Jill, this is a precision tool. It's not an ice pick. Jill: Tim, don't be silly. Give me the tape. tries to take the tape Tim: Oh, no, no, no. Jill: C'mon. Tim: No. How would you feel if I attacked your little opera record collection and used Madame Butterfly for a Frisbee? Jill: You don't touch my records! sits on the mower Tim: Right, because I respect your space. It's your space, your zone. This is my zone, slaps the workbench my sacred territory, right here. Jill: Oh, so, uh, so this tool bench is like your altar? Tim: This is where I pray to the tool gods. starts praying Oh yee ha! oh yee ha! Jill: Gosh, now I am so moved! I think that I should sing a chorus of Amazing Wrench! Tim: Don't do this. uses an electric ratchet wrench as a microphone Jill: a parody of "Amazing Grace" Amazing wrench, How sweet the sound. is starting the ratchet takes the wrench from her, and Jill laughs Tim: Do you hear the laughter? points to his side Right here? Just, just promise me you'll ask me if you want to borrow a tool. Jill: O.K., fine. tries to take the tape Tim: I want you to swear it. Jill: Oh, please! Tim: C'mon, humor me. Jill: Tim. Tim: It'll help me emotionally if you do this! laughs C'mon stand up. Jill: Stand up? Tim: Stand up. stands up Put your, put your right arm up. is raising her right arm. Tim is putting the duct tape on her arm Put your left arm on the tool. looks at Tim Jill & Tim: The wrench! puts her left arm on the wrench Tim: Repeat after me: I, Jill. Jill: I, Jill. laughs Tim: looks at Jill I, Jill, swear on this Binford Cordless Ratchet Wrench. Jill: Swear on this blah-blah-blah-blah wrench. Tim: Binford Cordless Ratchet Wrench. Jill: Binford Cordless Ratchet Wrench. Tim: That I will never touch my husband, Tim Taylor's tool bench ever again. shakes her head Jill: Ever again! walks away. Jill puts her hand on the bench drill Jill: Touched it! Tim: Jill. Jill: Touched it, touched it, touched it! Ha, ha, ha! Tim: Can you feel the anger in this room right now? laughs You have irritated the tool gods! mocks fear You must now be smeared with the holy grease of disdain! Jill: Tim! Don't you even think about it. backs away. Tim chases her around the garage Tim! Tim! Tim: I'm no longer Tim. I'm Zorfius, the Tool Avenger! chases Jill into the kitchen. Jill laughs picks up the torque wrench Mark: I am Zorfius! Ya ha! throws the torque wrench into the air but fails to catch it. It hits the floor. Mark goes over to it and picks it up Oh, no! picks up another bit of it Jill: from the kitchen Mark, honey, come on in here. I have to wash you up for lunch. looks around and then hides the torque wrench in the dryer Mark: Coming! goes into the kitchen Cut to the living room, later that day. is playing by the stairs with his truck Randy: from upstairs Mom! Jill: back Yeah? comes downstairs and goes into the kitchen. Jill is sorting out the laundry Randy: Have you seen my sneakers? Jill: Yes. They're in the trash. runs over to the trash can and digs around for them Randy: You can't throw those away! Jill: Honey, it wasn't my idea. pulls out his sneakers The sneakers begged me! takes the sneakers from Randy They did, hey. holds up a sneaker and shakes it up and down so the sole, which is hanging off at the front, opens and shuts like a mouth. In a strange voice Please Mrs. Taylor, let us go! We're old, we're tired, we smell! gives the sneakers back to Randy Randy: Mom, these are my favorites. Please? Jill: O.K. Duct tape them up, then you can have a month to say goodbye to them, and then it's a new pair. Randy: Thanks Mom! Jill: O.K. runs off upstairs again Mark, honey, I thought you were helping your dad. Mark: No. Jill: Well, I know that he really likes it when you help him. Mark: Maybe later. I'm gonna go play with my truck. Jill: Oh, O.K. goes into the backyard, looking sad Cut to the garage. is pulling a sheet off the improved mower. It has most of the engine sticking out the top, and huge handle bars. Tim is admiring it. Tim is putting on a crash helmet and Tim turns the tape recorder on. "Born to be Wild" starts playing on the tape recorder and Tim is putting his black shades on and Tim is climbing onto the improved mower. Tim is pretending that he is riding it like a motorcycle. Jill arrives with the laundry. She laughs and turns off the tape recorder, ending the song abruptly. Tim: Hey! How! Jill: So, what d'you do? Join Hell's Gardeners? Tim: Pretty cool, huh? Jill: All you need is a tattoo: "Born to Mulch!" Tim: Yeah! pretends to rev the mower. Tim climbs off the improved mower And honey, you know what? You could be my lawn mowing momma! takes off his helmet Jill: Y'know Tim, the only reason is starting sorting out the laundry that you're doing all of this is cuz your mother wouldn't let you have a motorcycle. Tim: She never let me have a dog, you don't see me out here rewiring a cocker spaniel, do you? looks around Where'd that go? Jill: What? Tim: My torque wrench was right here. You weren't out here this afternoon, were you? Jill: Why? Tim: I'm missing my torque wrench! Jill: I don't even know what a torque wrench is. Tim: You weren't cracking any ice today, were you? goes into the kitchen Jill: Oh, Tim! You don't crack ice with a wrench, you crack ice with a screwdriver! comes back into the garage Tim: Good Jill. goes back into the kitchen Cut to the kitchen. Tim: It's gotta be in here some place. comes to the garage door Jill: I swear I have not touched any of your tools since I took the oath this morning. raises her arm Always to ask, always to return. Tim: looks around Well, somebody took it and didn't return it. Whoever that somebody is, is gonna be in big, big trouble. head pops up in the backyard, by the window break Cut to the garage. the commercial break, Jill is pouring out the washing liquid. Tim enters and opens a cardboard box Tim: What's in this box? Jill: The wrench is not in there. That's stuff for the rummage sale. There's nothing but junk in there. pulls out something Tim: Junk? This is that swivel-based cook book holder I built you. comes over to him Jill: Is it?! Tim: I thought you said you lost this. Jill: Well, I guess you found it. Tim: Great. takes it from him. Tim opens another box Look! Look! takes something out It's that hairdryer I rewired for you. Jill: Ah, honey, I really loved it but it, it, it melted all my hair brushes! Tim: Don't throw it out. Use it for a space heater or something. opens another box Jill: Tim, Tim, stop it, stop it. C'mon honey. You'll turn the whole house upside down. kicks the boxes Tim: That wrench has gotta be around here some place. goes back to the washer Y'know, it just didn't get up and walk away, Jill. Jill: O.K., you're right. I'm ready to talk. I sneak down here at night, take all your tools, go out to the backyard, put them in a big pile, and dance around them, naked! Tim: What time would this be? opens the dryer Jill: The time right after you go to sleep! Tim, pulls out the wrench do you want this on regular cycle or fluff? Tim: Alright! sees that it's broken Uh, my tool, it's all busted up. The gauge is missing, the dial's all bent. sits down on the mower How'd it get in the dryer? Jill: I'll give you three guesses. Tim: Y- realizes she means the boys Cut to the backyard. jumps out of the tree, chased by Randy. Randy has a metal sword and a garbage can lid for a shield. Brad is wearing a plastic helmet and has a baseball bat Brad: You'll never take me alive! Randy: Ya! Brad: Ya! swings at Randy's shield and Randy pushes him back, into the bushes Mark: the bushes Owww! Randy: Mark, why are you hiding back there? comes out Mark: I'm not hiding. takes off his helmet Brad: Yes you are. Randy: What d'you do? looks through the windows Mark: You swear you won't tell Mom and Dad? and Brad come over to him Randy: Yeah, we swear, don't we Brad? Brad: Yeah, we swear! Randy: So, what d'you do? Mark: I broke Daddy's torque wrench. Randy: Phew. Brad: Uh-oh. and Randy sit down on a box Randy: Whoa, that is bad. Brad: Real bad. Randy: to Brad He broke a tool. Just like Peter. nods Mark: Who's Peter? Randy: He's our little brother we used to have before you! looks worried. Brad and Randy smile and nod Mark: Noooooo! Randy: He broke Dad's flash light. Mark: What'd they do with him? gets up and goes over to Mark Brad: Traded him in for you! walks off Mark: They did not! gets up Randy: Well, nice knowing you. walks off Brad: Maybe this time we can get a dog instead! Tim: from inside Brad! Randy! Mark! Where are you? runs over to Brad and Randy Mark: What am I gonna do? Randy: Keep hiding! They can't trade you in if they can't find you! hides in the bushes again. Brad and Randy go inside Cut to the living room. and Jill walk towards the back door. Tim is holding the torque wrench Jill: Now, don't get crazy. Remember it's just a tool. Tim: Just a tool! 20 years of my family, just a tool. and Randy enter Brad: You looking for us? Tim: Yeah, front and center, park it. points towards the couch. Brad and Randy go over to the couch and sit down. Tim and Jill follow them We're missing somebody. Where's Mark? Randy: We haven't seen him. stretches out Ah! Jill: Now boys, your father has something that he wants to talk to you about, calmly. pauses, trying to calm down Tim: Which one of you lug-nuts broke this torque wrench? Jill: Tim, easy, easy, easy. Tim: I didn't break it, points to Jill you didn't break it, who's left? Butch and Sundance. Brad: Why're you always blaming us? Tim: Brad Because we're always guilty, aren't we? sits down Randy: Some people think we're nice. Tim: Really. Name one. Randy: Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen. Tim: Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station! tries not to smile What d'you know about the broken wrench? Randy: We think you should ask somebody else. and Brad smile Brad: Yeah, somebody short, and seven. Tim: Wait, you're saying Mark had something to do with breaking my tool? Randy: Hey, we don't tattle on some brothers. Who happen to be hiding in the backyard, like a coward. Cut to the backyard. climbs up the tree Wilson: Hey, hey, hey, you're quite the climber there, little neighbor. Mark: Hi Wilson. Wilson: You're playing hide and seek? Mark: Just hide. Wilson: Alright. Anybody in particular you're hiding from? Mark: My dad. enters Tim: Mark! Mark! Mark: Wilson Promise you won't tell him I'm here? Wilson: Scout's honor. makes the scout sign Tim: Mark, where are you? comes over to the fence Hi Wilson. I'm looking for Mark. Have you seen him? Wilson: Well, as the old saying goes, Tim, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. Tim: Right Wilson, I'm looking for my son. Wilson: What I'm trying to say, Tim, is sometimes to get what you want, you have to go out on a limb. Tim: I don't have time for this, Wilson. I'm looking for my boy. Wilson: Whispering He didn't want me to tell you. Tim: Whispering What? Wilson: Whispering He's up in the tree. Tim: Whispering Oh. Wilson: Whispering Tim, I think he's pretty unhappy. pause Tim: Well Wilson, if you haven't seen him, you haven't seen him. Thanks. Wilson: Don't mention it, good neighbor. Tim: Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. Sure gonna miss him. Probably ran away. Boy, he was the best darn assistant a dad could ever have. sits down on the end of the slide. Tim leans back but he slides down so he sits up again I don't think I can finish that mower without him. I don't think I'll be able to rewire anything ever again. Boy, could that kid grunt. No matter where you are Mark, this one's for you: Grunts Uhhuhhh! Mark: Grunts Uhh! Tim: The tree just grunted at me! Mark: No it didn't. Tim: Yes it did. I heard it. Mark: No Daddy. It's me. climbs down to the platform part way up the tree Tim: Mark, what're you doing up in the tree? Mark: I did something bad. Tim: You broke my tool, didn't you Mark? Mark: It jumped right out of my hand! Tim: It shouldn't have been in your hand, alright? Mark: I was just playing. Tim: We've been through this before. My tools are not your toys. Mark: I'm sorry I broke your tool. It was an accident. Tim: Accidents happen. Its' not the end of the world. But when you break something of somebody else's, you've gotta tell them. Mark: Please don't trade me away like you did Peter! is confused Tim Peter? Mark: The son you traded in for me! is still confused Tim: What are you talking about? Mark: The one who broke your flash light. Don't you even remember him? Tim: about this Where do you get ide- hu-huh, let me guess. gets up and sees Brad and Randy watching through the window Brad! Randy! and Randy run off Brad: inside Book it! comes back to Mark Tim: Mark, you wanna listen to this good. I would never trade you for anything. Mark: Really? Tim: Really. C'mon here. lifts Mark down and hugs him Mark: You know that tape measure that you could never find? Tim: Go ahead, tell me. You lost it. Mark: No, Brad and Randy broke it! Tim: Good to have you back, son. carries Mark inside Cut to the living room, later that day. is sitting on the couch, reading. Tim enters, wearing his crash helmet and gloves Tim: Honey, the moment we've been waiting for has finally arrived. Jill: Tim, y'know, it's October. You really don't have to cut the grass now. Tim: Honey, I'm not cutting the grass. I'm just taking the Taylor's 1600 cc lawn chop rod out for a test run! Jill: Honey, couldn't we just call your mother and ask if it's O.K. if you have a motorcycle? Tim: Jill, don't worry. Got a helmet, seat belt, what could happen? opens the back door, banging his helmet with it Cut to the backyard. is sitting on the mower. Brad and Randy are standing by it. Tim enters. Mark gets down Randy: C'mon Dad! Brad: Hurry up! Tim: Alright boys, gets onto the mower. Jill comes outside prepare yourselves for a new age in lawn maintenance. sits down on a box I think we all remember, it used to take puts on his black shades Dad hour, hour-twenty to do the lawn. This bad boy, minute-five! I'll cut this thing so fast, it'll be afraid to grow! gets up and comes over Jill: Honey, did you put hub caps on the lawn mower? kicks one Tim: Grunting Yeah! Jill: Why did you do that? Tim: Grunting I don't know. Randy: Start the engine, Dad! Brad: Yeah, pop the wheel! Brad, Randy & Mark: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Brad: Fire her up! Tim: Stand back! I think this monster mower machine is ready to come to life! Jill: Alright boys, inside. Brad, Randy & Mark: Awww! Boo! Boo! Tim: Hey! Hey! pushes them inside Jill: Brad, c'mon! Go! Go! Go! Brad: Aw, Mom! Tim: You can't watch from the pit area! Jill: Yeah, yeah. go inside. The boys line up behind the window. Jill stands behind them Tim: Gentlemen, start your engines! starts the mower and revs the engine. Grunting Ah-ah-ah-ah! Brad, Randy & Mark: inside, grunting Ah-ah-ah-ah! Tim: Forward, mow! mower shoots backwards! is a crash and smoke Tim: I-I'm alright! and the boys come outside CREDITS to unused "Tool Time" scene. Tim and Al are standing by the bench Tim: Well Al, now that we have the fitting in place between the two sections of pipe, what's the next step? Al: Well Tim, we'll be sweating the pipe. Tim: Will we? Al: That's right. have a copper pipe with two angle joints in it Tim: So, a little deodorant right there in the elbow? looks at Tim Al: I don't think so, Tim. Tim: We do need heat for this project, and for that we use prepares the joint the Binford Burnblaster 2000 propane torch. Do you want to grab the torch, Al? Al: Coming right up, Tim. starts looking for the torch appears on-screen reading: "What Al doesn't know is Tim has hidden the torch from him to make an important point" Tim: Torch please, Al. starts looking around the set Al: I, er, give me a second, Tim. goes back stage Tim: Al, we're on the air, Al. We need that torch. Al: I'm looking! I'm looking! Tim: Al, this is a critical part of the show. Thousands of viewers are waiting to see that thing. comes back on Al: I'm trying, damn it! I-I'm only human! Tim: Ho, relax. C'mon Al. gets the torch from where he hid it Oh look, it's right over here. Folks, this was a demonstration. Don't, don't try this at home. I, I hid the torch from Al. looks at Tim Huh. Al: You what? takes the torch Tim: Wu-well, I did, y'know, I didn't mean to panic -- Al: -- you hid the torch. Tim: To make a point. Al: And what point would that be, Tim? Tim: We, you should always know where your tools are. Because otherwise, you could get pretty irritated, like you seem to do. Go ahead, light the torch Al. lights the torch. Tim looks uncomfortable Category:Scripts